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For whatever it is worth, not that it is of any consolation, there are many women out there who find themselves in the same situation.

I understand your feelings of desperation. As important and vital as marriage is, the primary relationship in our lives is the one with the Master of the Universe, the Creator of all life, including our own.

We are never alone. To the extent that we develop a meaningful relationship with God, we are less vulnerable as singles. All of our disappointments in life, notwithstanding, we owe God a debt of gratitude for the privilege of waking up in the morning to greet the dawning of a new day and all of its blessings.

Indeed, all of us face tests and challenges to our faith, and we understand that we are measured predominantly, not by our valor in the midst of tranquility, but by our courage in the face of adversity.

Many of us harbor the misconception that our relationship to God is like a soda machine; we put in our nickel, i.

Clearly, life is not so simple. If there would be a direct, crystal-clear correlation between what we do and its reward or its punishment, there would be no room for free choice.

If every time I would visit my mother-in-law in the nursing home I would win the lottery, I would perforce visit her daily. It would not only be a no-brainer, more importantly it would become an act devoid of my choosing.

It would become thoughtless and robotic. Moreover, we are taught that the more difficult the challenge, the greater will be the reward.

Therefore, it requires an act of faith in the interim. The greatest beneficiary of doing what is right, despite the often heart-wrenching difficulties, is ourselves.

We are the winners. Beyond the rewards, doing the right thing resonates with the integrity of our souls.

Express your pain and frustration to the Almighty. Enlist His assistance. Make Him your ally. Additionally, many people I know have found their mates online on Jewish dating services.

You do have to be careful and thoroughly check out any given candidate. Get references and do your due diligence.

It is an arduous and time consuming process but can lead to successful results. Visibility and networking is another avenue to explore.

Go to synagogue events and meet people. Stranger things have happened. And finally, my dear reader, maintaining a positive attitude , a cheerful and upbeat demeanor, is critical.

A sunny disposition is a magnet for good things. At the end of each day, all of us, no matter what the circumstances of our lives, need to say that our day was fruitful, that our deeds were worthwhile, and that we used our precious time wisely.

I agree with the Rebbetzin It's practical to enjoy life G-d blesses you With.. I'm 43, no wife, no love life, and I Take things slower now.

Honor Hashem and give Tzedakah. Let Hashem calm your heart.. Give thanks to G-d for the blessings, challenges in your life. It will all turn out for the best in G-d's timing.

May Hashem bless the single person with Wisdom, Knowledge and Understanding.. Before going into a whole encyclopaedia about your issues, I think there is one reason why you are not hitting it with anyone.

You set the bar way to high, emotionally mature? Are you kidding. Do you just want a plank to cuddle up with,if he is so mature why would he bother with you.

And ambitious? Women today want their men to make money,so they can spend it on Gucci. You need to be ambitious and not a burden on the poor guy.

He doesn't want a whole load of kids and a dinner cooked for him, he wants excitement not someone who seems to want cake and eat it too.

There are a lot of Jewish guys who are ambitious but they have their faults but what you want is a rich guy who is a puppy. But if you lower the bar you will get what you want and be happy.

My name is Ariel and I am in the same situation but I wait for the same, a good Jewish woman. I do not consider a non Jew too often and I will wait for her either way for I can only be completed by her.

Often it seems it will never come but it will. I do consider HaShem as my strength in all this and he is faithful. My email is cheverim live.

All the best to you during this struggle and ones to come. You want "emotionally mature, ambitious, ready to settle down and commit to building a loving marriage.

If you are dating men that age, keep trying. If you are dating in the 25 to 32 range, who's fault is that? Pavel Goberman , February 25, AM.

Dating: most are asking: "How old are you? Do you push -up 50 times in 1-min? But I'm NOT 30 or 60, but older. So, how old am I? I "forgot", but I'm healthy and have a lot of energy.

You mentioned 5 qualities you seek, and at least 4 are related to maturity. So, what age range are you looking at? If you say you want a man between 26 and 33, whose fault is that?

Are you dating men with the qualities you seek, or are you dating men your own age, because you don't want to be with someone older than you are?

You need to ask yourself if you are truly seeking men who fit your criteria, or are you dating the wrong men, hoping they will magically mature for you.

You list your requirements as mature, ambitious, reasy to settle down and build a committed marriage.

Those are all good things and you deserve your share of them in a mate. Ever notice that people kinda look like their dogs?

Ever notice that people tend to end up with people on the same attractivenss level I mean how often do you see a ugly woman with a handsome man People attract people on their level.

Are you mature? I wonder because in your list of qualitites you didn't list the things that really matter in a marriage You listed mature You said ambitious which usually means makes a lot of money-materially motivated.

Ambitious men tend to put settling down on a low priority-men can have kids into their fifties. You said ready to settle down and commit to a marriage which means he's ready to make his life outside of work about you.

That list does not seem mature. And your response Why would a man committed to a Jewish life settle for a woman who isn't? Tell me something Not saying that men don't line up for you.

Not saying that you're not great already, but if I were fishing for a specific kind of fish in a specific pond and getting no bites, I might think about what kind of bait I was using.

I unerstand this woman's pain, and I wish I could tell her it will get better. I actually signed up with KoreanCupid to find a husband but before i findished my registration I realized that no sane goy would tolerate me, what with Shabbat no Fiday night movies and kashruth.

I don't attend singles events unless they're sponsored by a Jewish organization. By doing so It's like telling the world you're not Jewish, or at leats you're willing to give up a Jewish lifestyle.

I'm still open to dating an marrying a nice goy BUT he will know from the get go who and what I am above all else, I am a Jewish woman and I love Medinat Israel above my own life.

I can cook Korean foodwithout pork and shrimp. I care passionately about what happens in Korea, but if a politician has policies that are good for Korea but bad for Israel, well I have to oppose him.

Otherwise, she risks being taken away from Judaism. I mean no disrespect, but a lady who wants somebody to "handle" her is setting herself up for disappointment.

There are very few men who want to marry, and come home, to a woman that must be "handled". Saying that you have to be handled implies that it won't be a loving relationship, but a constant, low-level conflict that must be won.

That's not a relationship that most men will willingly enter. Even if a man does, it likely won't end well for either him or her.

I think the words are beautiful, positive, hopeful, yet they don't really help. I am a someting beautiful woman who has not found that special someone.

Sometimes it is a matter of luck, some are not so lucky. The best advice is live your life to the fullest, and pursue what you love.

This does not resonate with me. All the single women I know do not suffer from lack of faith in Hashem, nor do they have an unrealistic idea of receiving what they prayed for just because they prayed.

They are open minded and try to see the good in every guy they meet. Stop blaming them and start looked at why the men that are left cannot seem to find a match.

I'm a gorgeous single genius looking for a model of perfection to adore me! What would you make of the title line above?

I'd conclude that the guy who wrote it belongs in an asylum of one sort or another! Perhaps the problem is in. Do some reality check, humble yourself and pray to God to provide a mate suitable for you!

Anonymous , May 3, AM. She was expressing the desire to marry and build a relationship. There is no need to speak evil of her. Don't underestimate "some" goyims who love Judaism, love Israel and support its causes.

Many will be happy to convert and embrace all the Jewish tenets. I am in the exact same situation, though I spent my 20s dating Jews and non-Jews alike.

In hindsight, I understand some of the choices I made were not good, but they've made me the person I am today.

Now that I'm serious about marriage, I joined Jwed. But so far, I'm meeting selfish, emotionally immature men who aren't good communicators.

I'm not talking about material things or even appearance. I'm not picky or superficial in that way. I'm talking about personalities and attitudes, from the get go, that are unappealing.

It is truly difficult out there. I'm working on myself, physically, emotionally and spiritually, to make myself into the best partner I can be.

I'm very social and and accept any invitation I receive. I'm doing what I can to make this happen. I know that I can't lose hope. This is the thing I want most in my life, and I deserve it.

Good luck out there. I simpathize with the singles because I struggled so much to find my husband. I finally found him at the age of 39 on Frumster now JWed.

He is not rich or ambitious or handsome. But he had one quality that I liked: He was honest with me and did not play mind games like most guys.

He never said I'll call you and then not call me. He was genuine. So the ideal husband that I had in my head did not come true.

I wanted someone taller than me who was an architect so that he could build our home and have financial stability. None of these things came to pass.

But in return I got a real person who wanted to get married and had a normal attitude and was open to want to get to know me.

We have problems in our marriage but at least I know what is on his mind and he knows what is on mine. Sometimes he makes me laugh and sometimes we fight and I cry.

Marriage is not perfect and singles have to change their ideas of finding a perfect person because that does not exist.

Maybe the woman would find a nice man but what if he is not ambitious? Would she dismiss him? Some people seem to have done it all right. They married young, had healthy children, maybe grandchildren too, and are still married.

Parnasa and school came easily, and they have friends, family, good neighbors,and a support system. Baruch hashem they also have good health. But do not ever be jealous of others mazal.

That is what Hashem designated for them, and for you, nisyonot. Their tikun is perhaps in seeing if they can view you , and care about you, without looking down on you.

I once read a saying, "Never look down on anyone unless you are doing so to help them get up. Then again worse still are those who silently think the ones who have poor mazal are lacking zechusim and deserve no better.

How often do we hear people say to someone unemployed, "What do you do all day" rather than say, " Please email your resume I may know someone you can talk to.

I was single until mid 30s, I married a man with serious issues unknown to me, had no biological children after 2 decades, got divorced, am unemployed, and yet here I am writing my views.

We are all valued humans, no matter if we did not accomplish what others have. We have a purpose to be here and are valued by people who are capable of placing value to others.

Never despair. Hashem does not make mistakes when he creates us. We need to do what Torah teaches and leave the rest to Hashem.

When your time to marry arrives, may you have Hotslocha. Meanwhile, realize that what is meant for you will not be denied. Hashem is kind. Freida , May 1, PM.

All the good things that you wished for her, may Hashem send for you, as well as for her.. You sound like a wonderful person.

Rebbetzin Feige states with interesting insight your frustration. If you do decide to search online, review your posting and eliminate negative words such as 'not', 'cannot', and 'hate'.

While the in context they may seem OK, individually they convey inner feelings that might inadvertently push the very man away you seek.

Rabbi Shlomo Diamond advices an incredibly powerful idea: Talk to G-d about one issue, one problem, for 5 minutes every day.

Pray to G-d to send you a husband for 5 minutes every day. You can spend some of the 5 minutes thanking HIm for stuff, talking about your pain, praying for a friend as well..

Just talk to him for 5 every day asking for a kind emotionally mature, wonderful Jewish man whom you can respect and love and who will respect and love you.

Miracles do happen. Don't intermarry. It's spiritual and emotional suicide. Wishing you the best! Miriam , April 30, AM. Because she wants an emotionally mature mench?

Yes, maybe the "ambitious" has got to go Michael , May 1, PM. Do not your standards! Know what you must have and what you would like to have, what you cannot allow and what you would rather not have in a mate, and stick to the MUST lists.

Anything else and you invite unhappiness down the road. Anonymous , April 30, PM. What a terribly harsh remark to make to someone who is in a lot of pain.

It makes huge assumptions about her experiences with little to no knowledge of her trials. She knows what is right for her and that should be respected and supported.

Someone who knows her personally could judge if she has an unrealistic expectation but to throw a "too picky" blanket on a stranger is just wrong.

They need to get realistic. Drop the expectation mentality, and start giving the average guys she's been rejecting her whole life a more serious look.

Abigail , May 1, AM. Just because she wants an emotionally mature mensch that does NOT engender a sense of entitlement. Wanting to marry someone with whom you are compatible and like is no different than wanting health, kids, livelihood things which I'm sure you want and value.

Everything that G-d sends our way is a gift, nothing more, nothing less. Anonymous , May 1, AM. Those who say you are picky dont know much about this crisis, and should keep their mouths shut.

If a girl is in her 30's and unable to find a man, its more likely her issues than anything else. If she is supposedly such a catch, she would be set up left and right with decent men.

Again, its her frustration manifested as outward frustration. I notice your list of criteria. That it be must important to him to make money or "rise" in the business world?

That if you don't have a substantial income you can't be happy? That you are Type A and a Type B guy would make you impatient?

That if you found a wonderful, warm, loving, frum, fun, emotionally strong and mature, settled and committed guy you'd pass him up because of a lack of ambition??

But that particular one makes me say "hmmm Jewish Men Inter marry. Anonymous , April 30, AM. The one thing I have learned in life, weather your Jewish, Chrsitan, there will be some women who cant commit, it doesnt matter what their faith is.

I love my partner, but it has been a very difficult road. I feel for you!!!! I was there and I know exactly what you must be going through!

I am happily married 2 years now, and we are expecting our first child. Both my husband and I rushed before and both of us were divorced by So just stay strong and be patient!

Your should mate is out there! Perhaps he simply isn't ready to meet you yet! My best advice is to really put yourself out there!

Go to singles events, force yourself to attend. And the most important advice is do not settle! If something feels wrong, don't waste your time talking to the guy Keep looking for my right because he is certainly out there looking for you too.

S , April 30, PM. I fancy myself the kind of guy the young woman is looking for. She might want to get in touch with me, or have someone she knows do it in her behalf.

The possibility beckons. Best regards, Sruli ktu7yip at outlook dot com. Some practical thoughts from a psychologist: You wrote that your goal is to have a relationship.

Men pick up on this. It makes them feel like a prop; instead of focusing on and enjoying time with your partner, you are in love with your goal to be married.

Two, you wrote that you want someone who can "handle" you. Clearly you are giving mixed messages. Decide if you want a respectful and egalitarian relationship with someone who is a loving partner, or if you want a romantic fling with a Latin lover who will "handle" you, and take responsibility for "whatever happens".

Your Latin lover will not give you an egalitarian relationship. Your loving partner will, but you will have to accept that he has insecurities and you too have to take responsibility for the direction of the relationship.

Please decide what you want before discounting the entire lot of Jewish guys looking for a strong Jewish woman. Last, make sure you keep yourself in good physical shape.

It matters a lot. Unfortunately, a very big reason people are not finding value in someone is that they didn't get raised to look at the qualities of a human being, but rather at their outer appearance and monetary standing.

This applies to many communities where you see people who are supposedly practising their religion but they are so materialistic about what they are wearing, so concerned about how their hair looks or what makeup to use.

And women who only will date a doctor or lawyer, men who will only date a good looking slim woman.

How about putting some of the onus on the community to change and instill better values? Look past what someone does for a living, what they look like, to their heart.

I try to raise my children this way but I see in the way a lot of their friends talk that all they care about is how a girl looks.

I was actually very proud of my oldest when one day he was talking about the suitability of a pretty girl he knew and he said it would not be good because he didn't think he could have a good conversation with her and they had different interests and areas of intelligence.

Not one word about how she looked. Women who are married complain about their husbands, women who aren't wonder when they can get married. First, I would say be happy and enjoy your life now.

Perhaps in five years you will be working 8 hours, cleaning another 2, making dinner, and getting woken up twice at 2 and 4 and the morning, getting ready for another day.

I contacted Pew Research for a deeper understanding as to whether it's Jewish men or women who are more likely to intermarry.

The previous study by the NJPS suggested that Jewish women are less likely to intermarry, citing a higher sense of Jewish spirituality and greater desire to marry within.

But the new Pew Research data proves otherwise. Among married Jewish men, 41 percent are married to a non-Jewish spouse.

While only a slight difference, Jewish women are more likely to marry non-Jewish men than Jewish men are likely to marry non-Jewish women and that raises the question as to why.

Are we simply not meeting compatible mates? While a quarter of American Jews have never married, Liga Plaveniece added that "of single, never married Jews, 53 percent are men and 47 percent are women.

So, if there are more single Jewish men perhaps a surprise to single female Jewish readers who lament a lack of available Jewish men , then why are nearly half of Jewish women intermarrying?

Perhaps it's because Judaism is matrilineal; no matter whom we marry, our babies are Jewish by halacha Jewish law. I admit this is an anecdotal and not research-based assumption.

Perhaps Jewish women find it harder to meet potential Jewish mates that they connect with on multiple levels, like Lianne, Sara and myself?

Perhaps Jewish men are less interested in marriage overall? The data doesn't offer answers to these questions. But what is does report is that "American Jews overwhelmingly say they are proud to be Jewish and have a strong sense of belonging to the Jewish people.

And yet our collective fertility rate, i. But interestingly, among Jews married to Jews, the birth rate is 2. And among Jews who marry non-Jews, the birth rate is lower at 1.

As Lianne gently put Jacob back into his stroller, she repeated her earlier words, perhaps empathizing with my remaining single and childless at age We thought a closer tie to Jewish observance would lead to love, marriage and children.

But luck is something we cannot control. He's out there, I thought to myself as Lianne and I parted ways. I will find that Jewish man who will smile for me, not just anyone.

Will it be too late for motherhood? I'll have to take that chance. Melanie Notkin's second book, Otherhood , lightly based on some of her posts here on Huffington Post Women , will be released in early by Seal Press and Penguin Canada.

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2 comments

  1. Fautaxe

    Es kommt mir nicht heran. Es gibt andere Varianten?

  2. Arami

    Er nicht meinte es

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